You'll Figure It Out
by Supercat
Summary: How are babies Made? A question everybody asks to someone in their life. Rei decides to ask that question. In other words, things are gonna get ugly. Picture this: a crazed Ritsuko with a cigar and two BFG's. Things are gonna get REALLY ugly.
1. This is a default chapter.....hehehehe

Hello! Yes this is my second fic! I'm warning you that I started writing this before my first was posted, so if it sucked, I guaranty this will be better. I wrote this as though I were Rei, but it's not an author's avator. The setting is when our pilots are 17, so they might be a little more perverted....Also Rei has a small personnality, at least enough to call people by they're names. I'v been reading a lit of other peoples fics recently, among my favorites, to sort of get an idea of what would be funny. I came up with this. Enjoy.  
(oh, yes, by the way I don't write limes or lemons)  
Gainax owns Evangelion, but who says that I don't own Gainax...hehe...You'll Never Know!  
  
On with the story!  
  
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You'll Figure It Out  
  
by Supercat  
  
I touched his zuchini, admiring it... So soft, so...."Uh, Rei? Could you give me that zuchini back, please? I need to put it in the soup..."....delioucious. Among my favorites vegetables, zuchini was definetly the best. I handed Shinji his zuchini and he meticulously chopped it up into little pieces, he then put it into the soup. I had been invited to the 'cookout' at Misato's. It was a celebration at the defeat of the Angel's 3 years ago. Shinji was the cook.  
"So, Rei, d'you like zuchini?" Shinji attempted at a conversation.  
"Yes. It tastes wonderful." I responded I responded I responded  
  
Supercat: Oh, Crap, broken record... There you go.  
  
I responded. Suddenly a loud eruption exploded out of my ear. I was still trying to find out wether it was a real explosion, or if it was just Asuka belowing. There really isn't much of a difference between the two. I soon found out which one it was as I slowly assembled the agressive ranting into actual words.  
"What do you mean I look nice?! Is that some sort of sick perverted courting?" What Touji once decribed as the Red-Haired Demon yelled.  
"Um... Asuka... "Hikari broke in. Gendo once told me that 'breaking and entering' was a Federal offence.  
"Yes?"  
"....your yelling at a carton of milk....,"  
"I know! I'm practcing!"  
"Um... OK... Are you sure your not going crazy again?" This time it was Kensuke who broke in.  
Asuka just gave him the 'death glare' and he slowly backed away while saying 'eep'.  
At that time, Shinji had finished his soup. While he was saying "Come and get it!" I couldn't help but notice that he had a 'kiss the cook' apron, which, he had, just below that, written 'not litterally' in pen.  
Everybody had assembled aurond the large picnic table in Misato's apartement. They had suddenly realized that Misato didn't have backyard, so putting a picnic table in the living room was a stupid idea.  
Once the party was over I started thinking about my reaction with the zuchini. I decided to shrug it off, and I went to school in a very tired state, noting the fact that the author had forgotten to make me go to sleep.  
  
Supercat: ...She knows too much....  
  
Over the past 3 years, our teacher finnaly stoped gibbering about the second impact, and focused mainly on poetry. Today, he read us a piece by an unknown American author, whose name I have already forgotten. One part of the poem was:  
"Frog's jump.  
Caterpillar's hump."  
  
Supercat: To tell you the truth, this really is the piece of a poem, my Gym teacher read it to us in class. Then she told us to imitate it. So basically, the rest of the class and I humped the floor for the following two minutes. Hehe.  
  
Upon hearing this, many people in the class started giggling childishly.  
I related the word 'hump' to something Gendo had once told me, and raised my hand, preparing to anounce my educational question.  
Sensei called me, and I said, "Do they masturbate, has well?"  
Upon hearing THIS, many people started rolling on the floor and laughing uncontrollably, and I am quite certain that one or two people died.  
Later that day, I thought up a general question concerning the things I had been thinking of. How are babies born? People would allways answer vaguely whenever I asked the question. I went to Gendo to ask him this question. Gendo pushed his glasses up, and started talking about the birds and the bees.  
"Uh... See Rei, when a,....um... man and a woman, uh well, are affectionatly bonded,...uh, cross that, when males call the number 1800-HOTSTUFF, oh...crap...I mean..." He stammered on.  
We talked for a long time, which mostly consisted of me starring at his forhead, while he said unintelligable syllables. Of course, he soon got a little off subject and started talking about wild dreams he had about Yui. Mentally, I was vomiting little chunks of carrots with asparagus, and porc liver, and....porc liver.....hey...how did that get there?.........Oh. Mental note: never eat at MacDonald's again.  
I finally told Gendo goodnight (while he was still talking) and walked home. The next day, after school, I went to Ritsuko's house. After talking with Gendo, I realized that it probably wasn't such a good to talk about it with males.  
I yawned, rang the doorbell and Ritsuko's cat answered the door. He and the door had a long conversation about astrophysics, and then he greeted me in. Has I steped into the room, I soon realized that it wasn't Risuko's cat that answered the door, it was ONE of Ritsuko's cats. I steped on the carpet, looking around. There must have been 30 cats. Ritsuko steped into the room, and, has a gesture of politness, I said, "You have a lovely carpet, doctor"  
She then said,"I don't have a carpet."  
  
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There. I thought that was a good way of ending the first chapter. I will add many more on later, but it's better to do this in seperate little chapters. I'm writing the most I can before the teachers starte loading me with homework, which they already are doing. Just to tell anyone whose reading this about the time I loaded it up, you can't expect anything from me in another week. I have to go to this camp in Maine called camp Chewonki for school. I call it Chunky for short. The GOAL of the trip is to blend the sixth and seventh graders into one big happy family. Yay.  
  
(note: I went there last year when I was in sixth, hence my attitude. In other words, I know that the only thing I can expect is sleeping in a freezing tent with three other people who roll onto you in their sleep, while the loud freaky noises outside the tent are keeping you awake; you then get up at 5:00 to eat a prepackeged breakfast, followed by a prepackedged lunch and then a prepackeged dinner.) 


	2. You'll figure it out, version 2.0

Hello! I am Supercat, as you may already know, unless if you randomly read fics without knowing who the author is, and this is my fic. It is the continuation of You'll Figure It Out, hence the fact that it is considered the second chapter. Uh... itr begins where we laefty of. (Having 'left' typed as 'laefty' and 'it' typed as 'itr' is what happens when you type with gloves.)*takes off the gloves*. There. Enjoy.  
  
You know what? Screw the whole 'disclaimer' thing! It's not like Gainax lawyers are going to come up to my front door and,....*KnockKnock*....uh.. ... (oh, shit...)...I'm going to take a short vacation, ok....yeah... *jumps out window*  
Gainax lawyer 1: Damn, she got away....  
Gainax lawyer 2: Yeah....., but these fanfics are pretty funny!  
Gainax lawyer 1: *slap* Idiot.  
  
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You'll Figure It Out, version 2.0  
by Supercat  
  
Upon taking a closer look at Ritsuko's so called 'carpet', I realized that it wasn't a carpet at all, but, in fact, a two-foot-tall mound of cats. I wasn't sure, but I thought I saw a skeleton has the mound jiggled.... If it was, then I don't want to know wether it was a cat a skeleton, or a human skeleton..... Anyway, Ritsuko asked, "Do you want something? A medical question? Perhaps a knife in the back?"  
Not quite hearing the last thing she said, I replied,"What was that last one?"  
"Oh,.... uh, nothing."  
"Oh, ok.......... Actually, I wanted to ask a rather personal question, I suppose it is medical, though..... Uh, pardon me, but, can you put that chainsaw down?"  
Ritsuko, realizing that she was holding a chainsaw inches away from Rei's face, quickly threw it on the ground, and answered, "Uh.... I was.....uh.......... .....cutting wood before you came......... yeah........ that's it....."  
"Uh, Ritsuko?"  
"Yes?"  
"Can you take off the hockey mask, too?"  
"Uh, yeah.."  
After that disturbing moment, I realized I had been watching too many horror movies and decided it was no big deal... I finnaly asked my question."How are babies born?"  
Risuko blinked once or twice, then answered. "Well, usually it's a sort of showing of affection that happens when two individuals of the opposite sex procreate. The baby then grows in the stomach of the mother, and is removed when the time is right. Of course, like I said, this is what USUALLY happens.... Another possibility is that some sick freak with a lot of money and sunglasses decides that he wants to make a clone of his dead wife and the angel Lilith, and then take advantage of poor, helpless, defensless women who are madly in love with him, bacause he's a friggin' pansy with a small penis!"  
This time it was my turn to blink, not only because her story seemed shockingly familar, but also because Ritsuko was flaming red, and so was her hair. After extinguising her hair, she got out two huge military machine guns, some shades, a big cigar, and said: "Hasta la vista, baby!HAHAHAHAAAAHA!!!!"  
In the following minutes after that, I was dodging bullets like an escaped convic.  
While running out the door, I could hear her say, "HEY! No fair! How come you can go in Matrix mode and I can't!"   
I mumbled, "Because I'm the main character of this story, you stupid bitch...."  
"I heard that!"  
"Go blow Gendo, you slut!" I noticed this comment particularingly annoyed her since, at that moment, her apartment exploded. I ran all the way to my apartement, and, finnaly, after two days of no sleep, I fell in slumber on my couch.  
  
Meanwhile, back at Risuko's house.....  
  
"HAHAHAHAAAAAHAAHAHAHA!!!!!!" came the wild lunatic yells from Ritsuko. Then, all of a sudden, there was a *CLICK*. Turning around, Ritsuko stopped her raving and said, "Who turned off the T.V.?"  
Her talking cat ( the one who had the conversation with the door earlier) replied, "It was me. That rambo movie seemed to excite you a little."  
"Whatever." She was about to continue her ranting when another *CLICK* was heard.  
  
Supercat: No, don't worry people, that wasn't the turning off of my brain. It's been extinguished for quite a while now. Nice guess, though.  
  
"Oh shit," came the doctor's outburst, "I'm out of ammo. Oh well."  
"Where did you get all that stuff, anyway?"  
"It used you to be my mom's." She then quickly added, "But I'm in NO WAY like her."  
A second talking cat with bags of groceries in his hands came from the corner of the street, and, looking from talking cat #1, to Ritsuko, then to the rubble that used to be an apartment, and said, "Damn! That's the third time this week!"  
  
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Well, that's that. I know I haven't been writing for awhile, (a short while compared to some other writers like the guy who made Evangellydonnut, who, for your information, isn't writing anymore, but, still.) but that's because I simply don't have the time to. And the real problem is, I'v got lots of ideas, but my torturers of knowledge aren't allowing me to express my creativity! (translation: my teachers are giving me too much homework.) But now, my captors have given me and the rest of my fellow inmates a week of freedom! (translation: I have a week of no school.) So, in these joyous days, I will atempt to write the most I can! *music fades out* ......but fanfiction.net is getting, has my brother would put it, 'screwing up again'(well, when I wrote this it was). Crap. (translation: Crap.) 


End file.
